The New Year´s post
So after New Year’s I got to thinking about the past year, and the one ahead, and I kept thinking I’d do a post here laying it all out. You know, all the things that were good, all the things that were hard, all the things to work on, all the things to change and work towards and hope for.
But I kept putting it off. Because the New Year felt too shiny and new to outline or try to define for myself? Because I didn’t have time, was busy getting organized and simplifying around here?
Because I kept picturing it headed with the perfect image of New Year’s newness; the perfect image of clean-slate-ness. Some lemons in a glass bowl in sunlight. An expanse of snow with no footprints on it. A vase of budding flowers on a table with nothing else. Or a picture of me smiling and looking all happy and optimistic and “You’re-Mine,-2012”-ish.
The thing is, though, I’ve never been able to face a blank canvas very well. So now I’m glad that 2012 is worn in around the edges a little bit. The new calendar has things scrawled across its neat little white boxes, and I’ve eaten chips, and not done yoga or long walks, and have cooked pasta too often instead of the vegetable extravaganza meals I’d been vaguely picturing. The expanse of Year is messy enough now for me to feel comfortable with. I can be messy and mess up and it’ll just blend right in.
Trying to get things balanced and bettered and right will come, and trying for those things is important. But I feel like the first lesson this year has brought me is that I am ALLOWED. Allowed to make changes at my own pace. Allowed to make tiny changes instead of big ones all at once. And allowed to be patient and kind with myself while doing so.
And feeling like you’re allowed to do things your own way? It makes it all so much easier. I feel good about little things I get right- half hour walks, bits of yoga, days I’ve gotten the cooking closer to whole foods, times I’ve been less hesitant creatively, when I’m present and patient as a parent. But I am working on being on my own side when I don’t get things right, too.
Here’s my little gathering of things about the New Year:
I’m allowed to experiment.
I’m allowed to be eccentric if I need or want to be.
I’m allowed to play.
I’m allowed to want what I want.
I’m allowed to do things my own way.
I’m allowed to write, and to make time for it.
I’m allowed to create my own world, in a creative sense.
I don’t have to choose to be one thing.
I want to walk more and do more yoga. I’m allowed to make time for that.
I want to get better at consistently buying/ cooking with whole foods.
So here’s the New Year’s post photo of me. I’m not looking “You’re Mine, 2012”-ish. I’m looking out, and I’m looking at the details, and I’m looking in wonder, and I’m looking expectantly.
